...I didn't say it was your fault

Don't do this either.

You may have noticed my absence around here for the month of May.  Oh wait, nobody comes here anymore so you probably didn’t notice.  That’s ok, I like talking to myself.  Oh, back to the month of May!  Right!  Mark and I managed to pull off spending much of the month of May together.  We both survived and didn’t kill each other.

The beginning of May was spent in South Dakota for Mark’s graduation.  I brought both of my parents with me.  We all survived and I only wanted to kill myself a few times.  Note to self: Never travel with Dad anywhere, ever again, even if he is paying.  He was road-raging approximately 5 minutes into our journey and acting like a complete child at the airport.  Yes!  Our flight was late!  Yes!  We missed our connection!  YES!  Airports suck!!!1  I know this, everyone knows this, but my Dad likes to make it known to anyone who will listen how miserable he is.  AND YES!  This is where I get it from!

I had to send him for a total of three time-outs before we left the Pacific time zone.  Seriously, Mom, how do you manage not smothering him with a pillow while he’s sleeping?

(And the people whom I introduced my Dad to in South Dakota are wondering who I am talking about… surely not the jovial, good natured dude who they met.  SURELY NOT!!)

Love ya Dad.  Now back to the point.  The month of May.

We left Daktoka on a Sunday and this time it wasn’t a torturous occasion and I couldn’t very well cling to Mark’s pant leg sobbing just outside security with my parents watching.  I knew I would see him again the next Saturday.

Fast forward to Saturday.  I pick up Mark from SeaTac and we head north to Vancouver.  The drive was fine.  The weather was fine.  Everything was fine.  We were discussing the barrage of questions that we usually get when crossing the border… “How do you know each other?”  “Where did you meet” “Do you have any Grey Poupon?”  We finally reached the Customs Officer and he asked us how we knew each other…

We reply at the same time:

“He’s my boyfriend” and “She’s my friend”

The customs officer thought this was very funny.  He also commented on the fact that someone was going to be in some trouble.

He asked us a few other questions and then giggled and said, “You said boyfriend and you said friend, HAHAHA.”

It was at that time that I confessed that I had stored 2 lbs of Columbian cocaine in Mark’s ass.

Do not do this.

I did something very stupid about a week ago.  While I have been known to hightail it to a soon-to-be-closing "open" bar at a wedding and pretend to order a bunch of drinks for my entire table and proceed to drink them myself, I am no lush.  (Zip it Nancy.)  (No really, zip it Nancy.)  I'm just too old and the hangovers that eluded me in my 20's are rather evil now that I am in my 30's.

1. Do not take an Ativan during a very, very bumpy decent on an airplane.

2. Do not drink a half a bottle of wine in addition to the Ativan (even if it is a few hours later).

3. Do not take your regularly scheduled sleep-aid in addition to the Ativan and half a bottle of wine (even if it is a few hours later).

If you do not heed my warning you will proceed to laugh at inappropriate things as well as requiring assistance to do things like;

a) Pee

b) Walk

c) Stay conscious

Thankfully I was with someone I trust because who knows what could have happened...

I know he loves me despite my "non-cripple" status

Me: "Mark, I think you need to find yourself a sweet, submissive girlfriend."

Mark: "Does that mean you are giving me two weeks notice?"

Me: "No, I wouldn't do that to you.  I'll give you a month."

Mark: "Gee thanks."

Me: "Actually... thinking this through a bit more, you'd probably do really well with a deaf/mute chick.  Think of all the fun you can have!"

(This is where I demonstrate how to have fun with the potential deaf/mute girlfriend by screaming obscenities while my hand is covering my mouth)

Mark: "So you want me to date a cripple?  Nice." (Yes folks, apparently deaf/mute chicks fall into the "cripple" category.  Mah boyfriend is oh-so-PC.)

Me: "Think of the awesome parking at Christmas!  If your thinking "cripple" why not just find a deaf/mute chick with no legs.  Legs just get in the way."

Mark: *trying not to laugh while giving me this stern look that makes me laugh harder*

...a few minutes pass...

Me: (mouth covered with hand) "HEY ASSHOLE!"

Mark: "I can hear you."

Note to self: Find deaf/mute/cripple boyfriend asap.  Preferably before Christmas shopping.

It's "salmon" not "pink"

I have been to the Apple Store many times with Mark and often wonder why we keep having to go back when;

1. I know there is nothing new to see.

2. Free wireless internet in a shopping mall doesn't make me want to jump up and down screaming, "THANK YOU TOM CRUISE!"

3. I've already seen the MacBook Air and while it continues to be very very cool... it is just as cool as the last time I saw it and decided I couldn't afford one right now.

4. I know there is nothing new to see.

I do it though.  I go in.  I try to have that post-orgas"mac" look on my face and dutifully press buttons and "ohh and ahh".  Yes, MacBook Air!  Still cool!  As last time!  Still can't afford!  But wow I never noticed the awesomely satisfying noise the the keyboard makes when you press the button and I am SO GLAD WE CAME BACK!  See.  Convincing, no?

When we were in Seattle this past weekend we stopped at University Village for some very important stuff.  I try to be quick-like when shopping at places like that with Mark because I don't want to make his head explode but this time I noticed something amazing.  I was desperately trying to find my Smashbox Lipstick Pencil in the shade of Smashing Pix but sadly it was not there.  I asked one of the Sephora Hover-Bots if they had anything similar.  She said there weren't many other brands that did lipstick pencils so she suggested trying to find another Smashboax Shade.  Mark dutifully stood by me and participated in the "Too orange, too pink, too Hollywood Hooker" banter.  He didn't even flinch.  When I realized that Smashbox didn't have anything close I burst into tears and started throwing a tantrum right there in Sephora.  He got the "I'm on it" look on his face.  The dude totally found me a replacement Lipstick Pencil.  He didn't even melt and his head did not explode!  If the law thing doesn't work out he can totally get the "token guy" job at Sephora.  The ladies would love him.  The guys buying "guy-liner" would probably love him too!

After all that, it was only when I started talking about looking for foundation that he calmly said he was going to wait outside.  Can't blame him one bit.

So I had my bag full of Sephora goodies and left the store.  WE DIDN'T EVEN GO INTO THE APPLE STORE.  We went directly to the car.  I figure this whole experience has banked about "100 Apple Store Hours" and I hope to hell I can look interested for that long.

(Actually it will probably be about 150 hours credited to his account because I bet there is shit to come in the comments about his lipstick skills.)

Off now to practice my Ohh's! and Ahhh's!

Busy Little Bee

Oh hi!  How are you?  I'm fine.  Great in fact.  Sorry I've been away for so long, but WOW, have I ever been busy...

Mmhmm.  It's official folks.  I'm cool now.*

(Air Kisses for the "not-so-cool" people scurrying at our feet)

*Blurb and Dooce were certainly not forced to kneel while this photo was taken.  I'm actually an Amazon Woman and play Female NBA.

Oh shutup.

 

A poor attempt at stealing Heather's earrings using the magnet I had implanted in my tongue.  I was able to score about a buck in Canadian change from her pocket.

 

MightyGirl.  A gleaming Red Goddess of light and awesome style.  I had a seizure induced by her fabulousness. 

Also.  I licked her  too... and she tasted like s'mores.

You'd think all of  hob-nobbing might tire me out.  Au contraire!  I must go.  I'm meeting Tom and Katie for a late supper.  Ciao.